Blushing violet

Well, I had another study session with Asuma-sensei, and while I think I'm starting to get a better idea of the subject, I can't help but still be confused. I really hope I do well on the test, because I think he is getting sick of me already. Of course, I did push more cookies on him, and some bento after his stomach growled rather loudly. I was incredibly shocked to find out that he didn't eat lunch, and he made the comment that the cookies would be a good breakfast. Well, not on my watch it won't!

Getting back on pace in my classes is really important, as is my job. Now that I'm used to the mostly evening hours, I can start having a little more fun. Hopefully, I'll be able to find somebody to have fun with.

So I went to a tutoring session with Asuma-sensei, and he was able to help me quite a bit. In appreciation I made him some cinnamon raisin bread and more cookies, and left them on his desk. I hope he finds them. He was a bit um, rough around the edges, and he called me a ghost...I'm not that quiet, am I?

Otherwise, he liked my cookie recipe, and I got to give my boss some feedback. I'll probably go back soon for another tutoring session before the test so I can go over a few things from the study packet. I hope he doesn't mind. I swear, when I run that bakery everything will taste better. I just know my baking better than he does. Wonder if Naruto-kun still wants to be my second in command...

I've been so bored lately. Neji-san had to go off for business again so I took some time to help him move. Otherwise, just kind of floating through life.

Guess whose hard work paid off and got a raise and a promotion at their job? Does Evening Closer sound prestigious or what? I want to celebrate, who is up for it? Anybody interested, I'll be hanging out in the park if anybody wants to join in my sugar induced high.

I am starting to think that somebody up there has it out for me, but there is nothing I can do about it. I can just kind of smile and hope for the best.

I don't think I'll ever understand guys, and trying to simply makes me dizzy in ways I can't honestly want to duplicate.

Is it sad that I wish I could erase a few months, or is that normal?

I think I should talk to a few people soon. I'm sure they'll know how to find me.

So Naruto, Sasuke, Shino...anyone who wants to talk to me, I'll either be working at the bakery or at the dance studio after school and on weekends.

I am never going to another party again. I am just going to work all the time, regardless of what people think about people my age I don't need friends, don't need relationships, don't need to try being social, don't need punches to the gut, and I most certainly don't need to be pitied. I also don't need to be waking up at other peoples' houses wondering how I got there...

I wish I had a big empty house and the type of job where I could stay out of view all the time. Ugh...speaking of which, I need to go to work at the Bakery. I'll be there if anybody wants to talk.

I've been avoiding everyone lately, spending my time either working, studying, or dancing. I haven't had a drink in a little while, not since the episode outside of Ebisu-sensei's bar where I ended up getting ditched by my so called friends for not wanting to test my ID in the math teachers bar. Now that I'm able to close the bakery though, I am getting a better paycheck and I've even started to actually confront what happened with Shino-kun as opposed to just pretending him up and leaving never happened.

I don't think I'm really to be sociable again. I kind of took the wrong path in getting over being hurt, and now I have a lot to make up for. I'm starting to doubt that I ever really had any friends, but I'm probably just being maudlin. I've been delivering cookie baskets again, trying to apologize in my own special way. I am certain that Naruto and Sasuke are best avoided for now though...

I feel like I just need to get used to the fact that I am not cut out for love and relationships...

Nothing really interesting has been going on. A few of my friends wanted to hang out in Ebisu-sensei's new bar, but I couldn't get in so I ended up hanging out in the bakery and talking with the Boss. He complained about being sick of some of the closing procedures, so I offered to help him out. He likes to joke that one day I'd make a great owner, but I'm sure father would never go for that.

I'm getting kind of sick of my new friends, and miss some of my old ones but they are either too busy for me or I made such an ass of myself at that last party that nobody wants anything to do with me. Whatever. If people find me so offensive when I cut loose a bit then I imagine I'll be utterly alone come college. If I even go to college...

I can't really apologize for my past behavior either, because it's not going to change what happened. The past unfortunately never stays in the past, so whatever. I'll just go back to working, and hanging out in my room, and dancing. Then maybe I'll be happy again.

Dear iPod,

Quit trying to depress me, you little maudlin piece of crap. Yes, okay, I realize I'm the idiot who loaded you with sappy Mariah Carey and Ashanti, but out of one hundred and seventy five friggin songs do you need to keep playing the really sentimental songs? I knew I should have wiped you and reloaded you after Shino ignored me for like a damn month straight...anyway, start playing better stuff or I'm totally stomping on you.

As always,
Hyuuga Hinata

Dear Mariah Carey,

Fuck you and your stupid Kami be damned ability to write songs that turn me into a little crying ball of depressive mush. I hate how you can sing a song that says everything I'm feeling so well that I actually feel as if death is a better option. We Belong Together is a piece of sentimental bullshit that does not belong on my iPod with such greats as AFI and The White Stripes, but you wormed your way on there and now I hate you!

As always,
Hyuuga Hinata

P.S. - By the way, Don't Forget About Us was a much better song when it was bouncier and you called it Always Be My Baby. Write something original, you trollop! - H.H.

So, I'm in school. I have a raging headache, but I could tell nii-san was getting annoyed at me. He didn't say anything, there was just this general aura like I failed him around the room. Made me feel kind of crappy, so I stayed in last night. Wasn't like I was getting anywhere clubbing anyway.

I just need to learn to understand and accept that without Shino around I will find myself falling for any guy who totally does not want me. It's like a new drinking game. Take a shot if the guy Hinata likes totally doesn't realize she exists until she does something stupid. Chug if he likes other guys. I'd be drunk outside of ten minutes, tops.

Seriously though, I get picked up in a bar and the guy thinks I'm "adorable" and wants to take me shopping. I start dancing with this hot guy, and he's totally not looking at the wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen, but instead he's looking past me to the bartender.

I'm so close to giving up, and just admitting that I am not hot. No guys really want me, and I will be a virgin forever. Thank the Kami I was undecided about wanting kids, cause I'd have to adopt anyway...

Shit...that's a depressing outlook on my future...

Okay, so there I was in the club, when this guy walks up and is all like "Hey, if I told you that you had a nice body would you hold it against me?" I was all flattered and junk, and told him that I wouldn't take offense to it at all...and then I got the joke! Oh wow was that good!

Um...hey...this isn't my t-shirt...and this isn't my computer. This kind of looks like a dorm room...weird. I don't remember not going home...

So, I went to the club with Gavin, cause his friend got me this little dress that was like, super short. Gavin's other friend Manda did my hair and make-up, and I looked kind of like a painted whore. It was awesome. I swear nobody recognized me. I walked by a few people I knew and they didn't even blink. I danced like all night. I met this hot guy, he was the bartender. He kept giving me this drink called a mind eraser, and asked if I wanted sex with the bartender. He laughed when I told him I don't sex on the first drink. I didn't laugh though, cause I don't. Besides, I'm not having sex in a bar cause that gross. Oh...he said sex with the bartender is a drink, but I still think he was trying to get all up my skirt. A couple guys were, but the skirt was too tight.

My hair hurts, and this lipstick tastes nasty. I just wanna dance...

...that the world certainly looks a lot different when you are crouched in front of a toilet trying to figure out how you got there and why you threw up onigiri when you swear you haven't eaten that in weeks.

...that you can get used to being put in the trunk of his car and find yourself missing the darkness and closed in space.

...that eventually dancing so you can keep yourself from falling over because you had one more drink than your limit gets tiresome.

...that falling asleep in shin high Doc Marten's isn't as bad as you think.

...that most guys totally know the ID is fake, but buy you drinks anyway.

...that new friends who only like you because you giggle and dance when plied with alcohol are not really your friends.

...that sometimes, waking up soaking wet from having fallen asleep just out front of your bedroom window can be a sign that maybe you are having a bit too much fun and need to calm down.

...that while it is possible to avoid all of your friends and teachers noticing you have a raging hangover, your cousin will eventually catch on that you've been avoiding him and with help from your other housemate catch you and give you the verbal beatdown of your life.

...that one day drinking everything in a pretty bottle won't be enough to forget that you actually did those things you swore you'd never do at that party, and letting people kick your butt for it is for the best.

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So there I was, with Gavin, we met at the dance studio. Fake ID, I am so old enough bitch...mini skirt, corset top, Gavin's jacket, shin high Docs. Guy called me "Shorty" so I called him "Bigjobs" and he totally gave me a drink so I totally drank it. Dancing...lots of dancing, with Gavin, with new friends. Guy kept giving me drinks...kept drinking them. Hot in the club, got on the table, lots of happy people, dancing people...Guy grabbed my ass..said "Hey Shorty nice ass" so I said "Hands off the goods Bigjobs!" and he was all like "Whatever, skank!" so I was all like "Get your hand off my bum or I'll kick you in the face!" and he didn't, so I did! Guy was all bleeding and shit and Gavin was all flippin' cause I was laughing...then Gavin grabbed me and threw me over his shoulder and stuffed me in some guys trunk and they dropped me off and he said "Remember Little Hina, nothing happened. Shh, remember that!" so I shook my head and promised I'd remember that.

So yeah, SHHHHH! WE GOTTA REMEMBER, nothing happened!

Last night was the New Years Party at Kiba's. Every time I attend a party I leave there thinking I will never drink again, and yet what did I do at Kiba's? I got trashed and made a total ass of myself. I cried on TenTen, I embarrassed myself in front of Naruto, and I ended up more sober than when I started, walking home on a cold evening.

I do not feel sorry for anything I did, but I see myself avoiding a few people for a while. School, work, and home will be my life. I should be able to get Nuriko soon, having a kitten to care for will make me happy and give me a distraction. I've been worrying too much about things that are best not thought about, things like what happened with Kisame, and why Shino seems to be ignoring me...

Life goes on, and my iPod will keep me happy.

( #1 Crush )

Edit - I talked to the bakery, and changed my hours around. I have another recital coming up so I need the extra dance time. I went by the dance studio to work off some steam, and Gavin asked me to go to a club tomorrow night. He said something about getting me in even though I technically am not old enough. It should be fun, and help me forget about last night.

Today, Naruto-kun and I hung out. We went to a few stores, and to the temple, and talked about the future. Naruto-kun is such an awesome friend...

( Hanging out with Naruto, causing trouble and general good times )